take care all,
-v

if you’ve managed to read all the way through to the end, then i thank you from the bottom, bottom, bottom, bottom-est of my heart.

seeing as how i finished the story before the month has ended, i will be going back and editing my chapters for the remainder of this session.

i’m going to give it some time though and reread everything. so, give me a day or so and i’ll get back to you good people.

keep it real.

-v

While I sat in the kitchen and picked away at the dinner that was made for me, my parents arrived home. They were bantering away. My dad harping on one of the singers who he thinks has gotten too old and sounds it, my mother defending the singer, proclaiming him a legend in his own right. It was comforting to hear them.

My mother joined me in the kitchen, wondering why I was still up.

“It’s so late, why are you eating?”

“I forgot to eat dinner.”

“Ai, why?”

I shrugged. I couldn’t tell her the truth and was too exhausted to think of a lie. She walked over to me and took the towel from my shoulders, lifting it up to finish drying my hair. I immediately felt a pang of guilt for all the secrets I had kept from my mother. With this simple gesture she reaffirmed her role in my life. I wanted to tell her everything that had happened, I wanted to ask her what it was I was supposed to do. But how could I unleash such a blow to her now. This episode would have to wait. However, I didn’t want to waste this moment of bonding.

“Why did you name me Cherry, mom?”

She laughed. After all these years I had never bothered to ask her and now I suddenly wanted to know. She let a silence sweep over us, giving her time to remember it, play it out in her head.

“Your father, he almost married another woman. But, you know, we met and really loved each other right away.”

It was my turn to laugh, my mother the home wrecker. Like mother, like daughter I suppose. She slapped my shoulder lightly.

“No, don’t laugh. It was hard. I was very sad the day your father was supposed to get married. I went out to the country and stayed there all day. I didn’t want to go to the wedding, even though I should have. Our families knew each other.”

“Understandable that you didn’t.”

“Then I went to Japan to finish my studies.”

“And then dad followed you there. Cause he didn’t marry that other woman.”

“Did I already tell you this?”

“Dad did.”

She shook her head. “Ruining my story. So, your father found me and right away he kissed me. Even before he said hello or anything. I was very happy to see him, and I always remembered that day because it was like a movie for me. The wind was blowing my hair, the sun was setting. It was just me and him under the cherry tree.”

“That’s disgustingly cute, mom.”

She laughed again and finished drying up my hair. “Goodnight, Cherry.” She patted my shoulders and kissed the top of my head.

“Goodnight, mom.”

As soon as she left dad popped his head in and looked at me a moment.

“Everything okay?”

I nodded.

“You’re not working anymore?”

“No, I decided to enjoy the rest of my summer.”

He nodded slowly. “Okay. Let me know if you need money.”

“I’ll be okay. Thanks dad.”

Another fatherly check-in and he was off. It did the trick though, strangely enough. I smiled despite myself.

The rest of summer passed by in a flurry. Before I left for college I stopped by to see Will. I wanted to let him know I wasn’t someone who would condemn him, who did not understand what he was going through. When he hugged me goodbye he whispered an apology and wished me good luck, in love and in life.

And then, I was unpacking boxes into a dorm room not quite large enough for two people. My roommate, Ruzenka, was a strong, militant looking girl from the Czech Republic. She spoke brashly about her liberal views and her want to change the world. I knew we would get along perfectly. Through out the process of moving I had been recovering from a summer I would not soon forget. Arvin and I spent a lot of time rebuilding our friendship, though it remained rocky. I think I wanted to see what it would be like for Arvin and I to grow up without the influence of each other.
Ling, eventually, went back to Hong Kong. She divorced from her husband officially and it placed her back on the tabloids. It was the boost she needed for her career, though she remained true to herself and rumors began to fly around about the possibility of her being a lesbian. It was the talk of the town, as I heard about all of this via my parents.

I sat on my customized, college twin bed and took in the stale environment of the room. It needed posters, and photos, and colors of any and all kinds. Maybe then it would feel more like somewhere I could call home.

A knock at the door came. I thought Ruzenka had already managed to lock herself out, but as I opened the door a familiar face stood, a face I had almost forgotten.

“Karina.” I must have sounded very surprised. I felt my voice jump.

“Hi, Cherry.” Karina smiled. Somehow less aggressive than usual. Her entire posture, actually, less bubbly. She stood, almost awkwardly, at the doorway. “Can I come in?” She went on to ask.
Perhaps it was everything that had just taken place, but thinking about Karina Lau now no longer made me nervous. In fact, I smiled and welcomed her presence. I thought of Arvin and how he would, at this moment, laugh at me and tell me to relax. It made sense that no matter how hard I tried to leave behind my past, a part of it would follow me. It was no good trying to fight it. It was easier to just embrace the idea of learning from it. I thought of Ling and how she would run her hand across my arm, telling me to do what I want. And my parents, stuck in a fairytale kissing under a cherry tree. I could remain dormant again like I did throughout high school, it kept me safe but lifeless. Or I could dive, head first, eyes shut tight, into adventures deserving of youthful romance.

“Sure. Why not.”

As soon as I closed my eyes I felt the rest of my senses intensify. I could smell my neighbors cooking. It was heavy in garlic, whatever the dish was. I felt every hair on my head move when the breeze blew by, and the warmth of the day settle down slowly on my arms. Then I felt Ling’s lips on mine and thought I had drifted off into a dream, but when I opened my eyes she was there leaning over me.

I looked at her carefully. What she had become to me was difficult to describe. What she had taken from me, what she has given in return. It was easier for Ling, to come and go, to love and leave. I wanted it to be easier for me. I wanted to leave Ling, but I didn’t want her to leave me. Conundrum.

“How’d you get in?” I asked finally.

“Your parents. They were just leaving.”

“Well, I’m sure they’re happy you showed up to babysit.”

Ling laughed and squeezed herself onto the lawn chair. She sat facing me and draped her arm around my legs. She was waiting for me to say what I had to say.

“I don’t know what to do.” I spoke with as much confidence as I could about my indecision.

“Do what you want.”

“I hate when people say that.”

“Why?”

“It’s just so damn passive aggressive. I obviously don’t know what I want, don’t know what I’m doing. I mean, what do you want?”

“I don’t want you to be hurt.”

“Well, that’s inevitable. So, let’s just deal with it and move on.”

“Cherry…”

“I know, I’m sorry. I’m being a brat.” I sighed, letting out whatever other angst I had inside.

I think I was disappointed that it had gotten to this point. I never had any future plans with Ling, never imagined we would go beyond this summer tryst. But I had to be honest with myself, and admit that a part of me had fallen very much in love with her. It was the youngest part of me, and the part that blindly believed in every fantasy I could think of.

I suddenly remembered a moment when I was jogging. It was in the fall, the last year of high school had just begun. I had just started my jogging regiment, and figuring out the best routes to go. At one point I was running through the park and tripped on a rock, deeply buried in the ground and covered by the dusty road. I face planted into the ground, as I was running full speed. My lip split open, I immediately tasted the blood and dirt. I sat there forever afterwards, stunned and embarrassed, even though no one else was around at this early an hour.

I felt this feeling very similarly now. Here was Ling in front of me and this whole time I had only been able to sit on my ass, stunned and embarrassed. Only the solution here would not be to get up and keep running. The taste in my mouth was not that of blood and dirt, but instead was the residue from Ling’s mint flavored chap stick. It was effective. Cooling to the touch yet moisturizing.

This prompted me to kiss Ling. Despite whatever unnerving words were spoken, and whatever else we wanted to say that would cause more drama, the physical aspect of our relationship remained strong. Before long we were in my bed, saying goodbye the only way we knew how. It was funny to think that after all my inner turmoil over Ling, I could just throw it all out the window for one last hurrah in the sack. We grabbed at each other more desperately than ever. Letting go, holding on, all the lines were blurred now. Finally we laid next to each other, my hand limp on top of hers, both breathing slowly. By the end there was nothing left to say, nothing else to give.

Outside on his porch, Arvin sat on his steps, smoking. He wore the same clothes from last night and looked as if he hadn’t been to bed yet.

“Cigarette for breakfast?” I sat down next to him, catching my breath.

“How do you think I keep this figure?” Arvin spoke groggily, but still maintained his sense of humor. It felt like he had forgiven me, like he wanted things to go back to the way we used to see each other.

“After you flee-ed the scene,” Arvin continued. “Aunt Ling and I had an interesting conversation. And by interesting, I mean awkward.”

“Was it terrible?”

“No, not terrible. Maybe I just didn’t realize how much we had in common. How much we all had in common.” Arvin tapped his cigarette lettings the embers fall to the bottom step. They sizzled with an orange glow for a split second before dying out.

“Then what happened?”

“Well, after our talk, I went to see Will. And broke up with him.”

“Arvin.”

“He’s gay, Cherry. He’s going to continue to be gay. I think he realizes that by now, as does Helen. But I’m not going to be the guy that he settles down with. I don’t want to be that guy.”

“So you just wanted to usher him into the new world, then?”

“I wasn’t his first.” Arvin just smiled and took another puff of his cigarette.

“Feeling no guilt then?” I asked Arvin, genuinely curious.

“Why? We’re all responsible for our own actions. I didn’t purposely disrupt Will’s family. I help finally lift a secret that was clouding all their judgments. Granted I could have been more tactful about it, but fuck it. I’m only a kid, what do I know?”

I realized then that Arvin was always kind of a sonuvabitch, but at least he knew it. He owned it. He never promised to be anything else. I had to love him for it, or despite of it.

“Cherry.” He had somehow managed to light another cigarette without me noticing.

“Yeah?”

“She’s going to break your heart.”

In my mind I saw Ling standing at the airport that first day we came to pick her up. I saw her smile and speak with such a self-assured elegance that showed how good she had gotten at getting people to see her exactly the way she wanted to be seen. I had been fascinated by her since our first meeting and it had stayed with me all the way to this moment as I sat on the steps with Arvin. It’s strange to think about Ling and Will in the same context as me and Arvin. As if we were all reaching for the same dreams but at different stages in our life. It only goes to show that none of us knew the right way to go about it. We only knew how to follow our, silly, silly hearts. We only knew how to get ourselves into trouble, despite our most sincere of intentions.

“I know.” I finally said, and it didn’t crush me as much as I thought it was going to. “Are you going to be okay, Arvin?”

“Probably.”

“I just want to make sure. ‘Cause I’m going to be pretty far gone once I deal with this Ling situation.”

“I figured as much. I think it’s time I comfort you for once. As grossed out as I am by the thought of you sticking it to my aunt.”

“You make it sound so romantic.” I stood up from the steps and prepared to run back home. “You’re not mad at me?”

Arvin thought for a moment, but only smiled and shook his head in an exaggerated manner. “No, my darling. I am the last person to be judging.” We looked at each other and both began to laugh. I think we both really just wanted to cry but, no, not this morning. The sun would not have allowed it.